The House

I sit here in this house of pain
walls torn bare
floor exposed
frame barely standing
and me sitting in the center
looking up through the rafters
into the sky
exposed to the elements
the wind whipping through this shamble of a house
the concrete cold beneath my legs
the wood splintered beneath my fingers
I sit here and I weep
I weep for injustice
I weep for deep wants unfulfilled
I weep for my own jealousy showing beneath my skin
I weep for the state of this house, this house of pain
But carved into every splintered beam is a promise
etched into every inch of cold concrete are the words
words to live by
promises to hold
I lay my body over them
soaking up the cold
splintering my hands as I run them over the grooves
I know that from this foundation
on these promises something beautiful will be built
so I can cherish this pain
though I can't see it all now
I know that this empty house will be built up
into a beautiful home

I need only be still

The Lord will fight for me
He created my inmost being
In Him all things hold together
He knows the plans He has for me

This is my mantra
While my heart bleeds out
While my stomach turns violently
While my body seems to revolt
I hold to these things

I hold to promises made
I hold to character unchanging
I hold to the Maker of science
I hold to the hope of glory
I hold to the image of His face
The sound of His voice
The feel of His warm, calloused hand
Holding me together

In my weakness, He is strong
And while I share my life again here
While I recount my rocky paths
I can see the ditches and stumbling ahead
I can feel the ground hardening beneath me

The Lord will fight for me
He created my inmost being
In Him all things hold together
He knows the plans He has for me

I need only be still

Ironic

The water holds my deepest fears,
I see mortality in its face,
And yet, here, with my ears below the surface
I can finally slow down
I can hear my heart thumping
I can hear my emotions change through its tempo
I can feel the reverb of my pulse as it moves through me
I can hear my stomach creak like the hull of a ship
And my echoing heart pumps the engine
And here is where I slow
Where I stop
In the boat of my head
In a world where the outside cannot hold what I contain inside
Where the inside of me is too large for the spaces created in this world
I can only assume I was created for a much more vast space
That my mind contains too much expanse for this small universe
But that there, inside the ship, I can make the inside quiet
I can be still
And the water will hold the rest back

I don't know you

I don't know you

But I know that anger

That frustration

That point of breaking

That waver in your voice

I know that one ounce of concer

One gesture of love

Will topple the precarious wall

That you hold up

But since I don't know you 

When you burst into tears

When you apologize for your rudeness

And when you hurry away sobbing

I can't follow you

I don't know you

But

I do know someone who does

He knows you better than you know yourself

He knows why you are crying

He knows why you are angry

And He knows your heart

So now, with all of mine

I will ask Him to hold yours

Tightly and softly and securely

I will let my own brokenness towards you

Guide me to whisper His heart over yours

I will beg Him to meet with you 

To reach out to you

And although I don't know you

I hope you know Him

And if you don't, I hope you find Him

In those tears

In that anger

In that waver in your voice

In the breaking of your wall

That it topples and on the other side you find Him

Standing, arms open, eyes soft, heart broken

Just for you

So that in heaven

I can know you

Because one day I didn't

And He gave me those words

And in them you felt His love

The darkness

You are everything I could write so well about

But I will not even dignify you with beautiful words

Go away

He's asleep

He's asleep and I'm angry

I'm angry because it is dark

Because I was excited to be with him

Because he watched our show without me

And because he is still asleep

He's asleep and I'm broken

I'm broken because it is dark

Because I haven't seen him all day

Because he ate dinner without me

And because he is still asleep

He's asleep and I'm empty

I'm empty because it's dark

Because I don't want to be alone

Because he went to bed without me

And because he is still asleep

Alone

I feel like I build my dreams up strong and fast

But you break them more quickly and they shatter like glass