I have never felt so many deep and hard feelings at once
Like a wall swung through the air to hit me flat against my chest
Bruising the whole front of me
Knocking the wind out of me
While my back wondered if it was allowed to feel the pain too
Mouth bleeding
Swelling up like a thousand bee stings
But reaching to my core
The tears come in equally swelling waves
Crashing through
My whole body shaking
As I replay every moment
The full ones
The empty ones
I still know your face under my fingertips and lips
I can trace your body with my minds eye
Your smell seeped into the veins in my nose and runs through my bloodstream
You held my hopes, dreams, fears, thoughts
Sometimes you held my hand
I carry your phrases.
I walked drenched in them for years and when squeezed they still drip out
Even though I had to say goodbye to you I stood far away fighting for you in my mind and heart and prayers
How do I even begin to feel all of these feelings?
How do I mourn?
A detached limb
A heart untethered
Air breathed out of lungs that were my home
I loved you with all of me that I knew how
Young and broken trying to squeeze through your skin to be close
That car ride I asked you why we had never talked like this before
Your email broke open wounds I had abandoned but to heal what?
The space warmed you sometimes
The space also warred you I think
The thing I hate desperately, that guts me, is that you were alone
I wish you hadn’t fought alone
I wish you had my words that reflected off the mirror somehow smudged into your skin so that no matter where you looked you could see what I saw in you
I hope you are at peace
I hope you are laughing so hard you cry
I hope you are enjoying everything
You were my everything
It’s emptier without you still. We all are.
