tears for fears

all my life
they told me to be strong
maybe without words
but always in expectation
they told me to grow up
to take care of myself
by myself
to force a smile
and deal with it
to hold it in
and not be a burden
so i did
i was strong
i grew up
i took care of myself
i forced a smile
i dealt with it
i held it in
i was not a burden

but now
i know you
and you say
it's ok
you don't need to be strong
stay a child
i'll take care of you
be upset
dislike this situation
let it out
you are not a burden

so here i am
breaking open
feeling the tears rise
in public?
what am i thinking?
but people come around me
they pray for me
they love me
they recognize this deep deep pain that they cannot know about
but they do know it breaks me
my family holds me
my tears flow free
they still tell me i am strong
but not because i do not cry
but because i do cry
i feel those feelings
i come
face
to
face
with my
fears
and i look them in the eyes
instead of ignoring them
instead of looking away
and i do what they hate worst of all
i share them
i am exposed
i am vulnerable
i am loved
i am crying
i am not afraid

i miss you

away from home

When we first were separated
there was a pain
It burned across my body
and flowed in tears
across my face.

This time it is so much deeper.

No words can express it
No tears can contain it
or release it

I feel like somehow I cannot feel
Like the pain is so much
that it has wiped out every
other
emotion

so i just live
empty
till i can go home
to you

That dreaded day

I woke up to
Buzzing against my skin
The phone I held close as I slept
Waiting
For this moment to arrive
I hoped
And it came
It was you

We talked
We laughed
We verged on tears
We said goodbye

I went through today
Without you
Wishing you

were
here

I sit ready to sleep
again
And open my phone
You called...
I missed it
My heart
.
.
.
.
sinks

I could have talked to you
But I didn't know
I missed you
I miss you
I'll sleep with my phone
again
Hoping you'll call
Completing
What was meant to be
My birthday

pain

30 more days it says
to me that is more than just 30 more days
it means
30 nights sleeping without you by my side
30 days wishing you were here to hold me
30 days of my hands not holding yours
30 days unkissed
30 days crying alone
30 days feeling empty
30 days using all my strength just to get through
30 days missing your face
30 days waiting for your call
30 days reading emails
30 days hoping for you to be on skype
30 days worried
30 days heart broken
30 days not being whole

so when they say "just 30 days"
I say you don't know what you are doing
you don't know my husband
you don't know me
you don't know the love we get to share

do what you want
but let me go home
now

Moments passed

Sitting nervous as people come out of classes and into the room. Will he appear here now? My dreams last night haunted me about seeing you in that same place around the corner. We run to see a friend. These you are. Just as in my dream. I have played this over and over again in my head but you hug me. I have nothing to say. You walk away. I want to scream. But it is all over with now. Another moment with you has passed.

The Never-ending Story

One question answered and not even
24 hours
until another one just like it arises
same question
different person
different place
if i could bottle up all the self doubt
that constantly sits on my shoulders
making me heavier and slower
and put it in a rocket and send it off
where it would float around to bother
no
one

i
would

the cycle continues
loneliness is not a thing
or even a state of being or of mind
it is a place, and a live monster
one that comes out at night
or early in the morning
or anytime you say goodbye
and even if you know you have someone
who will always love you
it manages to creep in
in the silence
where we find ourselves most exposed
stripped of our shell of shiny paint
and our cushy padding and insolation
until we are in
isolation
exposed to the elements
left to the howling wind
and the drenching rain
and the searing sun
until at last we have rusted
and worn down
to but our empty cores
and loneliness, that monster
sits and watches
protected by the things it has taken from us
though it is there
it is not company
and i'm sure you know this
it is a simple truth
it is not about how many are around you
but about who is around you
a stuffy crowded room can be more lonely
than an open empty field

and access to the world
full of people
with no one to talk to
is the
loneliest
of all

Heart it races

sometimes i wish i was the only one on this world
for just a minute or two
so i could yell at the top of my lungs
sing whatever i want
run for as long as i want
and say whatever i want to say
with no consequences
no one to complain
no one to comment
no one to care
then i feel like the very truest me
would be exposed
i would become so vulnerable
so translucent that tears would mean
exactly what they are meant to
and singing would sound
its purest
and yelling would be
the most expressive
and i would be
me

then i would want the rest of the world back
so that i could live knowing that the very core of me
had been set free
and no one had experienced it or known it
my potential was let loose
and my character went running
and now it is all hidden inside of me
as i smile
content