That dreaded day

I woke up to
Buzzing against my skin
The phone I held close as I slept
Waiting
For this moment to arrive
I hoped
And it came
It was you

We talked
We laughed
We verged on tears
We said goodbye

I went through today
Without you
Wishing you

were
here

I sit ready to sleep
again
And open my phone
You called...
I missed it
My heart
.
.
.
.
sinks

I could have talked to you
But I didn't know
I missed you
I miss you
I'll sleep with my phone
again
Hoping you'll call
Completing
What was meant to be
My birthday

pain

30 more days it says
to me that is more than just 30 more days
it means
30 nights sleeping without you by my side
30 days wishing you were here to hold me
30 days of my hands not holding yours
30 days unkissed
30 days crying alone
30 days feeling empty
30 days using all my strength just to get through
30 days missing your face
30 days waiting for your call
30 days reading emails
30 days hoping for you to be on skype
30 days worried
30 days heart broken
30 days not being whole

so when they say "just 30 days"
I say you don't know what you are doing
you don't know my husband
you don't know me
you don't know the love we get to share

do what you want
but let me go home
now

Moments passed

Sitting nervous as people come out of classes and into the room. Will he appear here now? My dreams last night haunted me about seeing you in that same place around the corner. We run to see a friend. These you are. Just as in my dream. I have played this over and over again in my head but you hug me. I have nothing to say. You walk away. I want to scream. But it is all over with now. Another moment with you has passed.

The Never-ending Story

One question answered and not even
24 hours
until another one just like it arises
same question
different person
different place
if i could bottle up all the self doubt
that constantly sits on my shoulders
making me heavier and slower
and put it in a rocket and send it off
where it would float around to bother
no
one

i
would

the cycle continues
loneliness is not a thing
or even a state of being or of mind
it is a place, and a live monster
one that comes out at night
or early in the morning
or anytime you say goodbye
and even if you know you have someone
who will always love you
it manages to creep in
in the silence
where we find ourselves most exposed
stripped of our shell of shiny paint
and our cushy padding and insolation
until we are in
isolation
exposed to the elements
left to the howling wind
and the drenching rain
and the searing sun
until at last we have rusted
and worn down
to but our empty cores
and loneliness, that monster
sits and watches
protected by the things it has taken from us
though it is there
it is not company
and i'm sure you know this
it is a simple truth
it is not about how many are around you
but about who is around you
a stuffy crowded room can be more lonely
than an open empty field

and access to the world
full of people
with no one to talk to
is the
loneliest
of all

Heart it races

sometimes i wish i was the only one on this world
for just a minute or two
so i could yell at the top of my lungs
sing whatever i want
run for as long as i want
and say whatever i want to say
with no consequences
no one to complain
no one to comment
no one to care
then i feel like the very truest me
would be exposed
i would become so vulnerable
so translucent that tears would mean
exactly what they are meant to
and singing would sound
its purest
and yelling would be
the most expressive
and i would be
me

then i would want the rest of the world back
so that i could live knowing that the very core of me
had been set free
and no one had experienced it or known it
my potential was let loose
and my character went running
and now it is all hidden inside of me
as i smile
content

The Past

the questions are always there
no matter your state of life
but is it a pandora's box
to be opened if you venture
for the answers?

or is it considered closure

dangerous

selfish

I don't know

is it all just poetic justice
coming to bite us in the butt
or is it bigger than that
or smaller
or non existant

Being alone

It is so interesting how we are designed.
It was not good for man to be alone.
In this way I am like man.
Living amongst people so constantly that
I cannot do without
To sit in silence by myself
No one around
No dog even
Is to destroy my inner being
Even not in silence
So I go to the most crowded places
and sit
Not necessarily with anyone
but around someone
So I do not go insane with loneliness
Even one person seems to be one too little
The more, the merrier?
The most the best
Only one other person is left in this room...
I think I'll head outside soon.