Experience

I sit there hearing words
Tears gather in my eyes
So many people around me
None of them knowing
I think what I would say
If they asked me to talk
It's not my place or time
But if it was...
My story seems too deep
Too many moving parts
They all start theirs with simplicity
I'm from...
I lived...
My friends...
It all seems so structured
But I could not fully explain
All the facets and pieces
That got me here
There are some that I say
The obvious ones
There are some that I don't
Wounds too fresh
There are some that I won't
The pity seekers
There are some that I can't
Too close to home
But I watch these kids sing
I watch them say words
Strong words
That come off their lips so easy
While I purse mine
Holding things inside
Wondering if they will ever understand
If the words will mean
All that they mean to me
I hope not

Listen to my heart

Sometimes my heart beats too loudly to hear the words in my head

So I just rest in the steady rhythm and let the words flow beneath it

Never really articulating their meanings but recognizing their expressions

Sitting in a mental silence and letting my thudding heart do the talking

While my brain slows to listen for once

Goodbye

Here again

Pitying those who feel

Reliving that night where I was strong

She was in tears

And I lectured her feeling superior

Now jealous

Never knowing how to feel her hurt

That raw emotion of loss

In real time, expressed

How, though, could they understand

For a girl with no home

That places mean nothing to me

Change is adventure

Moving is another restart

Like I have done again

And again

And again

But the people

Each one is home

Each one holds a part of me

That I am afraid they will forget

And then I will lose it

Pieces of me left behind in each breathing home

That are so widespread now

That I cannot ever have my whole self

And each person a little glipse of an idea

That I have only heard of

That idea of belonging

Of secure

Of identity

And memories

And love

All stored in one place

In one house or town

To me is wide and scattered

And always changing

And again I am losing myself to these people

And so it comes as no surprise how it now drains me

To think of finding more friends

Or holding too tightly to old friends

And putting in the time to explain me

And let them get a glimpse of me

And hold a piece of me with them

Oh, the thought exhausts me

And every time I think I will give up

But I will change, and who will hold those new mes

And how will I leave these pieces of me behind again

And show them the immense power they hold

The value they have

And the truth that I am spread too thin to express

How explicitly they are cherished

That I have failed too early to learn

And too often to change

And too quickly to try

So when the end comes

I will go back to that night

As a child, watching another child weep

Thinking that she must be broken

That we must grow up

But it was me who was broken

A child without tears

Forgetting to feel goodbye

Lovers point

My heart is not the sea

I look out on the calm

The rythm is soft and comforting

So my heart is not the sea

My heart is not the sky

I look up to the whispering clouds

The pastel hues sing quietly

So my heart is not the sky

My heart is not the trees

I look into their welcoming branches

The strength stands firm and unshaking

So my heart is not the trees

My heart is the road

It sits hard, dark, and cold

The world drives over it again

So my heart is the road

The House

I sit here in this house of pain
walls torn bare
floor exposed
frame barely standing
and me sitting in the center
looking up through the rafters
into the sky
exposed to the elements
the wind whipping through this shamble of a house
the concrete cold beneath my legs
the wood splintered beneath my fingers
I sit here and I weep
I weep for injustice
I weep for deep wants unfulfilled
I weep for my own jealousy showing beneath my skin
I weep for the state of this house, this house of pain
But carved into every splintered beam is a promise
etched into every inch of cold concrete are the words
words to live by
promises to hold
I lay my body over them
soaking up the cold
splintering my hands as I run them over the grooves
I know that from this foundation
on these promises something beautiful will be built
so I can cherish this pain
though I can't see it all now
I know that this empty house will be built up
into a beautiful home

I need only be still

The Lord will fight for me
He created my inmost being
In Him all things hold together
He knows the plans He has for me

This is my mantra
While my heart bleeds out
While my stomach turns violently
While my body seems to revolt
I hold to these things

I hold to promises made
I hold to character unchanging
I hold to the Maker of science
I hold to the hope of glory
I hold to the image of His face
The sound of His voice
The feel of His warm, calloused hand
Holding me together

In my weakness, He is strong
And while I share my life again here
While I recount my rocky paths
I can see the ditches and stumbling ahead
I can feel the ground hardening beneath me

The Lord will fight for me
He created my inmost being
In Him all things hold together
He knows the plans He has for me

I need only be still

Ironic

The water holds my deepest fears,
I see mortality in its face,
And yet, here, with my ears below the surface
I can finally slow down
I can hear my heart thumping
I can hear my emotions change through its tempo
I can feel the reverb of my pulse as it moves through me
I can hear my stomach creak like the hull of a ship
And my echoing heart pumps the engine
And here is where I slow
Where I stop
In the boat of my head
In a world where the outside cannot hold what I contain inside
Where the inside of me is too large for the spaces created in this world
I can only assume I was created for a much more vast space
That my mind contains too much expanse for this small universe
But that there, inside the ship, I can make the inside quiet
I can be still
And the water will hold the rest back