The trials of walking

With each step I take
I sink further
Further
Further into myself
Into the moments concocted in my head
Into the unpleasant state of my heart in this moment

With each step I take
I breathe harder
Harder
Harder than before
Because I haven't felt this weight in so long
Because I haven't let my heart open up

With each step I take
I drop lower
Lower
Lowering my head
Because I know what I am doing
Because I know that I should not

And as I sink
and breathe
and drop
these moments of my life now, on paper
I wonder if I will ever see the sun again
I wonder if I will ever break free of this

And so if I must sink
I hope I will find the grace to sink
my head into your shoulder as we sleep

And so if I must breathe
I hope I will find the peace to breathe
each breath in sync with your own

And so if I must drop
I hope I will find the humility to drop
every pain down at the feet of the One
who loves us more than we could ever know

And then as I sink
and breathe
and drop
these moments of my life, now on paper
I know that there I will see the Son again
I know that He will have broken me free of this

Heavy Heart

Today my heart feels heavy. I am tired but I don't know if I can sleep. My blood seems to flow in a dilapidated rhythm that my hands reflect in shakes of weakness.

Today my heart feels heavy. I am thinking and reasoning and trying to work out what I see as kinks in the plan, in my plan, only to realize that the kink is that I am relying on my plan. And yet I do not want to give it up.

Today my heart feels heavy. I see myself as I am. Lost in myself and staring at another who should be so close to me I can feel his breathing on my neck and yet I am so far from him right now. But I chose that.

Today my heart feels heavy. I look at my future and I see things I may not want to do/be/have and yet I also see him and that should be enough for me right now. I know that He has it planned out for my good.

Today my heart feels heavy. I see every choice come before me from the moment we met and have no room to regret any of them. I knew who you were and I know who you are now, even if you don't. But I also wish you knew the same about me.

Today my heart feels heavy. I don't know when it will feel light again. I don't know if it will ever feel light again. But I do know who holds it in His hands and He can handle the weight.

tears for fears

all my life
they told me to be strong
maybe without words
but always in expectation
they told me to grow up
to take care of myself
by myself
to force a smile
and deal with it
to hold it in
and not be a burden
so i did
i was strong
i grew up
i took care of myself
i forced a smile
i dealt with it
i held it in
i was not a burden

but now
i know you
and you say
it's ok
you don't need to be strong
stay a child
i'll take care of you
be upset
dislike this situation
let it out
you are not a burden

so here i am
breaking open
feeling the tears rise
in public?
what am i thinking?
but people come around me
they pray for me
they love me
they recognize this deep deep pain that they cannot know about
but they do know it breaks me
my family holds me
my tears flow free
they still tell me i am strong
but not because i do not cry
but because i do cry
i feel those feelings
i come
face
to
face
with my
fears
and i look them in the eyes
instead of ignoring them
instead of looking away
and i do what they hate worst of all
i share them
i am exposed
i am vulnerable
i am loved
i am crying
i am not afraid

i miss you

away from home

When we first were separated
there was a pain
It burned across my body
and flowed in tears
across my face.

This time it is so much deeper.

No words can express it
No tears can contain it
or release it

I feel like somehow I cannot feel
Like the pain is so much
that it has wiped out every
other
emotion

so i just live
empty
till i can go home
to you

That dreaded day

I woke up to
Buzzing against my skin
The phone I held close as I slept
Waiting
For this moment to arrive
I hoped
And it came
It was you

We talked
We laughed
We verged on tears
We said goodbye

I went through today
Without you
Wishing you

were
here

I sit ready to sleep
again
And open my phone
You called...
I missed it
My heart
.
.
.
.
sinks

I could have talked to you
But I didn't know
I missed you
I miss you
I'll sleep with my phone
again
Hoping you'll call
Completing
What was meant to be
My birthday

pain

30 more days it says
to me that is more than just 30 more days
it means
30 nights sleeping without you by my side
30 days wishing you were here to hold me
30 days of my hands not holding yours
30 days unkissed
30 days crying alone
30 days feeling empty
30 days using all my strength just to get through
30 days missing your face
30 days waiting for your call
30 days reading emails
30 days hoping for you to be on skype
30 days worried
30 days heart broken
30 days not being whole

so when they say "just 30 days"
I say you don't know what you are doing
you don't know my husband
you don't know me
you don't know the love we get to share

do what you want
but let me go home
now

Moments passed

Sitting nervous as people come out of classes and into the room. Will he appear here now? My dreams last night haunted me about seeing you in that same place around the corner. We run to see a friend. These you are. Just as in my dream. I have played this over and over again in my head but you hug me. I have nothing to say. You walk away. I want to scream. But it is all over with now. Another moment with you has passed.