When I can't be me

"Let Maia Be Maia" is my mantra this year
Only it isn't that simple, is it?
There are moments when I am not acceptable
When what is expected
What is deemed appropriate
What is perceived
Trumps me
Washes out my vibrant light
Dims me down
Pushes me aside
Stomps out my inner flame

Somehow, the boarders of this life
The restrictions of this world
The framework of society
Do not permit me

I was made for another place
A place where friendship goes deeper
Where familiarity is wider
Where love is longer
Where people can be their whole selves
Always
With everyone

And that place is clearly not here

So Maia, she cannot be Maia
Because Maia is not allowed on this earth

I will hold back
I will mourn the loss of myself
And then I will step in the lines
And pretend I belong here

For now

The letter

I'm looking for a document
We have turned the house inside-out
But I find something more important
More important to me
A letter
The envelope is crumpled
The papers are lined and covered
With words
Words that fill me up
I am smiling
and nodding
The words slide across the page
Over my hands
Up my arms
My neck
My face
Into my lungs
Where I breathe them in
and end with a sigh

Thank you for your letter
I will always hold on to it

Walls

I have lived a life of walls
Hard, icy, and thick
I put them up first at that airport
The pain was unbearable

When her parents didn't let her say goodbye
Wall
When later she stopped emailing back
Wall
When my roommate was in tears missing her family
Wall
When I liked him but he didn't like me back
Wall
When I sat alone for lunch
Wall
When she betrayed my trust
Wall
When he was killed too young
Wall
When she was taken from class and family
Wall
When I was the person she forgot
Wall
When the phone call finally came
Wall
When I felt betrayed by my protectors
Wall
When we took one year away
Wall
When everyone was crying goodbye
Wall
When he never made a move
Wall
When life moved on without me
Wall
When I was strung on
Wall
When I was betrayed
Wall
When touches were stolen
Wall

But I have worked hard to break these down
I have struggled to fight those urges
To leave myself open, exposed to elements
To build doors and windows, gates and fences
To shorten and diminish those cold walls

And now, you force me to put one back up again
My voice breaks as I say it
I don't want to put up a wall.

You shared your heart

You took a risk

You shared your heart

It was what I needed to hear

Thanks.

Airplane

I am the wheels sticking slightly to a warm dark tarmac

I am the propellers hanging lazily waiting for a motivation to move

I am the engine roaring as king of a mechanical jungle

I am the seat that travels the world but sees none of it

I am the table hiding shyly like a chameleon

I am the waving wands, the stoplights of the beasts

I am the wings that never flap but always soar

I am the heart that rises against gravity

I am the wind that grabs and lifts with the strength of ten thousand men

I am the clouds that separate worlds

I am the sky that dances through stars and suns

I am the belt that knows the shape of countless bellies

I am the bin that hugs the carried on 

I am the shudder of a machine suddenly afraid of heights

I am the peanuts that imagine they have the capacity for filling

I am the landing as precise as punctuation

I am a new place, a new people, a new time

Busy minds and idle lives

In my mind there are so many things

So many moments

Some have happened

Some have not

Other worlds

Other decisions

Other people

Other places

They sit in my mind

Or run

Or stand

And there are so many

You could understand 

Why adding another thing

Would overwhelm me

The ground is hard
One by one the block are placed
Crossing each other
Building up higher
Each one a little more weight down
more height up
Until they are swaying
Leaning in a dizzying swirl
One little motion
A passerbyer or
A cough
A whisper
A touch
Will topple this tower
It will be loud
The edges will fall hard
It will be catastrophic
The blocks will land all at once
On the hard ground