6/23/19

Tonight I feel trapped
Between being too much
And not enough
Let go of
Pushed away
For being
The only thing
I can be
Me
Broken
Watching everyone else
Be whole
Restored
And finding myself
Trapped in
Emptiness
Aloneliness
And still
Wishing
For a
Home

i don't know if you will read this

I wish we could sit down and talk
The end of it all was the worst
It still is
the end.
the worst.
You heard how I felt from others
(and hung up when I tried to tell you myself)
I am hearing how you feel from others
(and can't hear it from you)
And now this story
A false one
Of one side
I don't know how much is you but
I hope you know this and believe it
I always stood up for you
(even when I had to say hard things)
I always believe the best in you
(even now when it seems you don't want the best for me)
I always think you are strong
(even when you don't think you are)
I always want you to be whole
(even when I am broken)
I will continue to speak truth
To try and guard your heart
To seek justice
To love mercy
To walk humbly with God
I hope you still trust me
The way you once said you did
I hope you still know I am making choices
Like I always have
They are probably still mud
Like all the others
Some good
Some bad
But some good.
You said so then.
The hard ones you said you couldn't make.
The ones you supported me in.
Do you remember?
Or have you forgotten those words too?
Have they been erased by the hurt?
By the desperation to keep the ground beneath you from cracking?
I let mine crack
For him
For you
Because it already was
I just looked down and saw it
Please look down too
Before it opens up
And consumes you
I believe you are honorable
I hope you will speak out truth
Always.
also.
always.
i mean it.
always.

If

If I had not been broken, would I still have found you?
If I was never wounded, would you still be here?
If I am not now drowning, will you still reach out to me?
If all is fine and good, will you still be near?

This is the worst

I hate limits
I hate walls
I hate the way
Some friendships fall

I hate goodbyes
I hate pain
I hate the end
Of things so great

I hate perceptions
I hate distrust
I hate maybes
becoming musts

I hate baggage
I hate scars
I hate distance
It's just too far

I hate arguments
I hate ends
I hate the thought
Of losing friends

I hate that this
Is not the first time
That I have had to break
Apart things in my life

But I can love
And I can explain
And I can repair
And I can abstain 

And I can fight bitterness
I can fight tears
I can fight the regurgitating
Pain from the years

I can love harder
I can dig deep
I can turn off my phone
When I go to sleep

A Man

I know a man

He thinks he is not kind

I think he is not soft

But his values are firm

I know a man

He thinks he is not caring

I think he is not meek

But his character is strong

I know a man

He thinks he is inattentive

I think he is not vocal

But he hears those without voices

And the truth is

He is not soft

He is not meek

He is not vocal

But he is a man

A man worth knowing

Scarred

I feel like if you stripped me down

And looked beneath my skin somehow

You'd see the scars that I've sustained

Across the years, across the pain

The curves that biting words tore off

A deep tear here from heart too soft

The lines from stabs into my back

My thighs sliced up from self attack

None of these are physical wounds

But scars run deep into my bones

Moments, words, betrayal, pain

Inside my mind the scars are plain

But if you could raise the scars within 

Up to the surface of my skin

And followed all the bends and lines

A pattern would form before your eyes

Intricate, beautiful designs drawn in

To the very fabric of my skin

Like henna drawn onto a bride

I carry all my scars with pride

I roll up my sleeves to show the world

That scars from when I was just a girl

Have drawn me up to who I am

A beautiful, confident, strong woman

She looks at him

Still on the couch

Book in hand 

Deep in thought

Her eyes are soft

Her mouth is closed

But her heartbeat shakes the room