Crying Sucks

Crying sucks

the life

out of me 

the tears flow

down and out

of breath I breathe

deep sorrow goes and

comes close to madness

which way to turn

around this topic of

conversation stops

short on patience

kindness from friends

who am I really

tired.

Consumed

We hold it in
Our secrets
That we think define us
That we think will decide things for us
Who we are
What we stand for
What we're worth
What we have to offer
We suck them down
So they won't consume us
We try to consume them
But in our stomachs they eat away
Acid that picks through
To our hearts, brains
And on the outside we force ourselves to smile

Best Friend

Best friend
A title you deserve from time served on a silver platter of breaking the fast of friends departed
The ins and outs of joy to the world created from memories forged of deepening fire from within two hearts joined as one

And me looking on through the glass smudged by my face pressed in close to hear the secret kept silent from us who are unable to open

Lost to you

In my past
I lost myself
In someone else
To someone else
Wiping even the simplest memories
From my mind
Stealing thoughts
Faces
Moments
From me
I stare at photos
Wondering how I missed this
How I seemed to have disappeared
From friends
Soul-mates
Classmates
Roommates
When I sunk myself off into the vast ocean
Floating into deep waters
Filled with darkness and danger
Thrown about by the wind
The rain thrashing
And me, somehow, oblivious
Lost in a world
Caught up with you
The extent of your damage was unknown but
Discovered as my heart filled with water
The sails whipping and wet
The helm endlessly spinning
And finally, as the mast crashed down
I saw I was sinking
I trashed about in the cold waters
Sputtering in search of air beneath waves
Grabbed and rescued
I find myself on dry land
Still coughing up the salt
That you have embedded in my lungs
A remnant
Of my past

Moving

This Painting
Colors fading
Paint chipping
Canvas ripping
Coming apart at the seams
Wrapped
Boxed
Taped
Stored away forever
This place
Those people
These memories

Hope
I feel it
It is more than a concept
More than a state of mind
I'm giddy with it
For once I feel like I might have a chance
To make my life what it was intended to be

Hope
I sit here with it
Singing
Laughing
Nudging it with my elbow through knowing glances
But also waiting
Wishing

Hope
Holding onto dreams that seemed too big
Too far away
But knowing that maybe I will grow
Draw nearer
Like maybe,
Just maybe I will realize what I've always

Hope(d for)

Pasts

The old notebook, dates and times, 

pages of ancient text in my own handwriting

I type it out to you now

correcting bad grammar and spelling from a younger me

a me lost in emotion

caught between a smile and dark thoughts

I read it back now

The smile stays in each word

But the truth is there on it's haunches waiting

You say those words, that I was a treasure, and it pounces

I begin slowly

A truth I rarely tell

and you hesitate, it doesn't make sense

I agree, looking at those words

the pictures

the mask on the outside

but inside I see the scars from the thrashing and claws

Those words, moments, trapped in time and inside me

The scars still rise to my touch, away from the skin I hid them in

I can still feel the scrape of every word and the burn 

I show them now, I peel away the clothes of silence and repression

And as I peel I cry

Each salty tear trickling over the wounds

And you wait for me patiently while I huddle, exposed and cold, shaking

But you don't see me like this

To you I am more a treasure than before

Thank you

I gather my clothes, again hiding scars

but knowing that now they are fading

Just like the penciled words in that book

Sent back to the past