Walls

I have lived a life of walls
Hard, icy, and thick
I put them up first at that airport
The pain was unbearable

When her parents didn't let her say goodbye
Wall
When later she stopped emailing back
Wall
When my roommate was in tears missing her family
Wall
When I liked him but he didn't like me back
Wall
When I sat alone for lunch
Wall
When she betrayed my trust
Wall
When he was killed too young
Wall
When she was taken from class and family
Wall
When I was the person she forgot
Wall
When the phone call finally came
Wall
When I felt betrayed by my protectors
Wall
When we took one year away
Wall
When everyone was crying goodbye
Wall
When he never made a move
Wall
When life moved on without me
Wall
When I was strung on
Wall
When I was betrayed
Wall
When touches were stolen
Wall

But I have worked hard to break these down
I have struggled to fight those urges
To leave myself open, exposed to elements
To build doors and windows, gates and fences
To shorten and diminish those cold walls

And now, you force me to put one back up again
My voice breaks as I say it
I don't want to put up a wall.

You shared your heart

You took a risk

You shared your heart

It was what I needed to hear

Thanks.

Airplane

I am the wheels sticking slightly to a warm dark tarmac

I am the propellers hanging lazily waiting for a motivation to move

I am the engine roaring as king of a mechanical jungle

I am the seat that travels the world but sees none of it

I am the table hiding shyly like a chameleon

I am the waving wands, the stoplights of the beasts

I am the wings that never flap but always soar

I am the heart that rises against gravity

I am the wind that grabs and lifts with the strength of ten thousand men

I am the clouds that separate worlds

I am the sky that dances through stars and suns

I am the belt that knows the shape of countless bellies

I am the bin that hugs the carried on 

I am the shudder of a machine suddenly afraid of heights

I am the peanuts that imagine they have the capacity for filling

I am the landing as precise as punctuation

I am a new place, a new people, a new time

Busy minds and idle lives

In my mind there are so many things

So many moments

Some have happened

Some have not

Other worlds

Other decisions

Other people

Other places

They sit in my mind

Or run

Or stand

And there are so many

You could understand 

Why adding another thing

Would overwhelm me

The ground is hard
One by one the block are placed
Crossing each other
Building up higher
Each one a little more weight down
more height up
Until they are swaying
Leaning in a dizzying swirl
One little motion
A passerbyer or
A cough
A whisper
A touch
Will topple this tower
It will be loud
The edges will fall hard
It will be catastrophic
The blocks will land all at once
On the hard ground

Prayers

I pray differently as of late

I rarely say words or even think them

Instead I sit silently swaying with the air

I kneel with my forehead on the cold floor

I stand with my feet planted on the sacred earth

And from those places I open

I peel back my ribs

I expose my lungs and heart

And I let the things I have been breathing in

Out

I let those huge things held in my heart

I let them come out of me 

Some dance out

Some wail

Some sit silent inside me

Until strong hands pick them up gently

And I stay like this

Letting everything go that I have no words for

Until I am empty

And then I am filled with better things

I am poured into with warmth

With silken goodness

Until I am full of things words cannot contain

And then those strong hands push my ribs closed

And those stable hands stitch me closed again with gentle precision

And I move back into the world

A place full of empty words

My own darkness

I own my very own darkness

I cage him every day

I lock him up tightly

So he cannot run away

On very lonely nights

I'm compelled to let him roam

The place that is my refuge

Those nights he calls his home

He creeps into the corners

He stands against the wall

He's nothing close to tame

He won't answer if you call

Most nights I have my courage

Most nights I have my strength

and I battle my own darkness

Right back into his cage

But some nights the world gets heavy

The air gets thick and cold

And only on those nights

My darkness becomes bold

He rips me from the outside

He withers me within

He booms out malicious laughter

All I can do is cringe

But if I sit there still

If I can barely breathe

My darkness will get bored

Eventually he'll leave

He'll sulk into his cage

He'll close his own locked door

And even then I'll stay

Just sitting on the floor

Time will move quick then slow

I'll gather up the pieces

My soul will regroup 

My courage slowly increases

I'll crawl back to the cage

Make sure the lock is tight

Then crawl into my bed

And bid my darkness goodnight