Friends

This is the problem. What I cannot handle.
Closeness brings pain.
I cannot be close because it will hurt, it will hurt to interact because closeness means caring and caring means that what you say and do matters.
I cannot be close because it will hurt, it will hurt when I leave, when you leave, because it will mean not being close.
So I cannot do it. I cannot do it again.
I will run from this.
I am sorry.
I will run and not look back.
I will crash when my legs will carry me no longer, but the pain will be my own doing.
I know that pain. I can handle it. I know where it came from. Why it is there.
So that will be me.

Belonging

I look like them
Sound like them
Can say the right words
Act the right way
But inside I am different
Inside I do not belong
It comes out in strange things
Loyalties
Negotiations
Values
And then I am alone
There is no one to come along side me
And it looks funny
Because I look like them
Sound like them
But I am not one of them
This is my eternal struggle
My closest friends
So quickly
Can see how far I am from them
This is what I am going into
A deep battle
Between perception
And reality
And I really
Don't belong

Storm

Here I am, in the midst
of the whipping wind
the thrashing waves
the cold, grabbing at
me, to my deepest
being, as I am tossed
about at the whim
of the storm.

Here I am, grasping
at lines, gripping
rails, gurgling
between gasps as
the waves heave me
wherever they choose.

Here I am, soaked,
numb, clinging to
ship, to life, and
waiting, waiting
helpless until this
storm passes.

This Me

This me who I claim to have changed to, the one who has left that life behind, the one who lives in the light, who does not live the lie

This me who is still in progress, still fighting to break out of this skin, still begging to be free

This me who I am now, who searches for answers, who fights myself, who gives up then tries again

This me who is learning to be again, to love again, to feel again, who hates the old me and who battles to keep it at bay, at heart, and at mind

This me, is ok, to be.

Crying Sucks

Crying sucks

the life

out of me 

the tears flow

down and out

of breath I breathe

deep sorrow goes and

comes close to madness

which way to turn

around this topic of

conversation stops

short on patience

kindness from friends

who am I really

tired.

Consumed

We hold it in
Our secrets
That we think define us
That we think will decide things for us
Who we are
What we stand for
What we're worth
What we have to offer
We suck them down
So they won't consume us
We try to consume them
But in our stomachs they eat away
Acid that picks through
To our hearts, brains
And on the outside we force ourselves to smile

Best Friend

Best friend
A title you deserve from time served on a silver platter of breaking the fast of friends departed
The ins and outs of joy to the world created from memories forged of deepening fire from within two hearts joined as one

And me looking on through the glass smudged by my face pressed in close to hear the secret kept silent from us who are unable to open